A Quiet Evening
by Kimmie
Summary: Aahh, a quiet evening at home with Schwarz, you know, summaries are *really* annoying


Ever get sick of the same old Schwarz characterizations

Ever get sick of the same old Schwarz characterizations? Ever get sick of the disturbing "Dishrag Nagi" trend? I certainly do. What happens when I am babysitting, ranting, and hyper.

A Quiet Evening

By Kim

"Oh me, oh my, oh woe is me, I'm horny." The complaint rung through the posh apartment where the four assassins known as Schwarz lived. A skinny, pale silver haired man in neon pink vinyl pants and a pink baby T shirt that proclaimed "Britney is my Queen" dramatically threw a hand across his forehead as he struck a slinky pose against the wall of the living room, hoping to attract some attention. 

"Jei, would you kindly leave me alone?" another asked, looking up from his leather bound copy of Of Human Bondage, thin spectacles covering pretty green eyes. His long red hair was pulled conservatively back from his face in a ponytail, and he was wearing a simple pair of Docker's khakis and a white button down shirt. "I have reached a rather fascinating part and your constant caterwauling is not appreciated." 

"Oh bite me!" 

"As much as you would enjoy that, I have to decline." 

"Sccchhhuuuuulllllddiigggggggg!!!! I wanna fuck!!" The pink clad Irishman then proceeded to place himself in the sedate red head's lap, and reached for Schuldig's little assassin, if you know what I mean. 

"Don't touch me there!!!" Schuldig screeched, jumping up and knocking Farf onto the floor. His face was beet red. "That is a very private place and you didn't have my permission!! I feel so......dirty." The red head sniffled, clutching his book to his chest as some sort of shield, as the yellow eyed man on the floor eyed him with naughty intent. 

"But it's so much fun to be dirty!" 

"Perhaps for you but not for me." 

"Don't knock it till you've tried it Schu-Schu." 

"Just because I am saving myself for my one true love doesn't mean..." 

Farfie just started laughing so hard he started crying. From both eyes. Was it mentioned he had two fully functioning eyes? 

"What the hell is going on?!" 

Farfie stopped laughing and Schu quietly meeped. 

Nagi stood in the doorway, a death glare etched across his innocent looking face. "I come home from a long day of plotting to rule the world and all I see is two imbeciles screeching?!" 

Schu looked at the floor. "I'm sorry for making so much noise, Nagi sir." 

"I'm so sorry Nagi sir!" Nagi mimicked Schu, "You are such a fucking pussy, you know that?" Farfie tried to hold back a snicker. He failed. "And don't even get me started on you, you worthless Iri......" Nagi stopped and smiled sweetly. "Where's Brad?" 

Farf and Schu remained silent. 

"Perhaps you didn't hear me, but WHERE THE FUCK IS BRAD?!" The telekinetic hefted a vase and smashed it against the wall with his power, causing the two cowering assassins to jump. 

"He...he....he went out." Schu meekly said. 

"Did he say where?" Nagi's large eyes narrowed. 

"No sir." 

"Did it ever occur to you to find out where he was going?" 

"No sir." 

"Can you say anything besides `No sir'?" 

Schu opened his mouth but slammed it shut again. 

"Finally, using what little brains you have. Well, if Brad doesn't appear in the next 5 minutes, you're going to have to take his place." 

Schu's green eyes widened, and he turned white. "Please!! No, not me, take Farfie!!" 

"And risk getting his STD of the week? I think not." 

Just then, the front door opened, and Nagi turned around, the full force of his death glare focused now on the tall black haired man in the doorway. 

The tall, extremely scared looking black haired man who was doing his damndest to move backwards out the door but was planted on the spot. 

"Why, hello Bradley. Pray tell why you left the house without asking me first?" Nagi asked as he sauntered over the older man, running his hands up Brad's torso. 

Brad trembled. "We were out of milk." 

Nagi's scowl darkened even more and the hand that had been running light circles on Brad's chest was quickly raised and sharply smacked across his left cheek, leaving a nasty red handprint. Brad whimpered and tried to hold back the tears in his big puppy dog brown eyes. Aww. 

"Don't cry, it's pathetic. Now on your knees, you get to crawl to the bedroom." 

Nagi turned and stormed through the apartment, leaving poor Brad to look sadly at his team mates before crouching down and following Nagi like the good bitch he was. 

Meanwhile, just outside the apartment where our four Schwarzies be, four Weiss stood, poised and ready to make the kill. Without warning, the lights were taken out by Omi's hacking, and Ken burst through a convenient window cause he's the dumb one and thus expendable. 

They were not prepared for what greeted them inside. 

The insane one was wearing pink and in the process of trying to shove his tongue down the telepath's throat. The red head was obviously not enjoying it. Schuldig's eyes got even bigger and took on scary Quatre like proportions at the sight of all of Weiss in their apartment about to kill them. Farf looked over his shoulder. 

"Fuck," was all he could get out. 

"I thought he only had one eye." Yohji observed, looking rather adorably puzzled. 

"Err ummm, I do, ummm......need to go hurt God, yeah, that's it!! Be right back!" Farfie jumped up and ran from the room, dodging a few of Omi's darts along the way. 

This left a very embarassed Schu laying on the floor, long legs sprawled open. Closing his eyes and taking a cleansing breath, he quick yanked his hair out of it's ponytail and messed it up into the flamey mess Weiss was used to seeing. He then pasted what he had always took to be a dirty leer on his face. "Well if it isn't the little white kittens." 

"Sorry to have to interrupt your tryst, but we're going to have to kill you." Ken said, trying to look manly. 

This caused Schu to genuinely laugh. "And I thought you were here for tea." 

"Since when did you start wearing glasses?" 

Schu quick ripped his reading glasses off his face and tried to think of some good excuse. "Well, I was doing something, oh wait, someone, since I am the slutty one you know," he chuckled nervously, "Yeah, these are Br....I mean Crawford's, you know, heat of passion and all that nonsense." 

The four members of Weiss just stared at the babbling man. "Somebody get their ass in here!!" Schu started to whine. 

By that time, Farfie came bounding out from the room where he disappeared to, this time dressed in the dark blue and black outfit Weiss was used to. He had a little trouble with the bondage strap around his knees and he fell over an ottoman. 

"Shit, I cut myself with this damn knife! It fucking hurts!" 

"I thought he didn't feel any pain." Omi said. Schu sweatdropped. 

"It fucking hurts God!" Farfie quickly recovered and jumped to his feet. 

"Umm Farf, eyepatch...." Schu said. 

Farfie checked his eyepatch and realized it was now on crooked, revealing his perfectly functioning eye. He blushed a little and scooted it back into place. 

Schu cleared his throat. Farfie looked at him as if to say "Do I have to?" Schu nodded yes. Farfie picked up the offending knife and licked it half heartedly. "Yay, I love hurting God. Look how crazy I am, I like to lick knives. Whoop dee fucking doo!" 

By this time Aya was simply seething at the poor display his enemies were putting up. How was he to enact vengeance upon Schwarz when they were acting all un-Schwarz-like? To put it lightly like a bunch of pansies. 

Yohji looked about the room, and an idea blossomed in that blonde head of his. "Where is Crawford and the other one?" 

His question was answered by a loud whimpering cry from the master bedroom. 

Leaving Ken to guard Schu and Farf, the other 3 quickly stormed the room. They were quickly thrown back out by Nagi's power. After landing on their butts, and not being ones easily deterred, they again stormed the room. They managed to get through this time. All 3 were sickened by the site before them, of a poor little defenseless boy like Nagi being cruelly beaten by that bastard Crawford, tears leaking from those huge dark blue eyes as he cried in pain. 

"Please Brad, I promise I won't talk out of turn again!" Nagi flung himself at Omi, "He...he....he... raped me!!!!!" Omi quickly threw his arms around the sobbing Nagi as Aya attacked Brad, who only dodged the katana slash out of the knowledge that if he let himself get killed Nagi would find a way to punish him after death. No one but Brad acknowledged the evil smirk on the Japanese boy's face. 

Deciding that getting Brad killed would not be a good thing for either of them, Farfie started attacking Ken, and Schu finally got off the floor, grabbed his green blazer, threw it on, yanked out his gun, and raced into the bedroom. Feeling really bad about himself, he started firing, wondering why he had ever gotten himself into this mess he was in. Brad dodged Aya's sword yet again, and punched him rather hard in the gut. Schu started shooting at Aya, who was forced backwards out the room, Yohji tried to help his team mate but again, Schu shot at him. He made a run for it, signaling Omi that they had to get out of there. Omi held onto Nagi and tried to leave the room, and Schu and Brad exchanged a look and a sigh. Together they got ahold of Nagi and yanked him back, preventing Omi from rescuing him. 

In a few minutes Weiss was gone. 

"It took you long enough didn't it?! What do I pay you idiots for?! And don't think I didn't see that look!! BRADLEY!!!" 

Brad jumped. 

"STRIP!" 

Schu winced, and quickly retreated to the living room, where Farfie was sitting on the couch pouting. 

"I cut myself. It's probably going to scar." Farfie sniffled. 

"Again, I feel dirty." 

"Remind me again why we can't be ourselves when Weiss is concerned?" 

"Nagi." 

"Oh. Yeah." 

"Where did my book end up?" 

"I need out of these clothes, they're so depressing." 

"Please Master, I wasn't looking at Abysinnian like that!! I only have eyes for you Nagi-sama!!" 

They both sighed and life got back to normal. 

The End


End file.
